The one thing you might notice with my posts is that I have this habit of writing on a stream of consciousness. This post especially will exemplify that to the max. Seeing as I haven't posted in awhile, this will be more of an update. I'm the type who chooses to blog when my thoughts are running rather than using it for the purpose of just documenting. BUT, I feel obligated to update because it's for my benefit. One day, I'll be able to look back and see how I've progressed and grown throughout this abroad process.
It's been a rough couple of weeks. Today marks the one-month anniversary of my arrival in the UK. It started out great and then I was hit with bronchitis (again) for about 2 weeks. I was forced to go to Urgent Care without insurance. The pain was escalating quickly despite my strongest efforts to get better. For those of you who know me full well, you know me as "the mom," because I'll be the first one to whip out the best remedies for my sick friends and try to make them better ASAP. My immune system has gotten so horrible that those remedies don't work as effectively anymore. Anyways, in addition to my bronchitis, I had to deal with severe iron deficiency. I've been iron deficient for awhile and recently started taking vitamins (advised by the doctor). However, since being here, with the dietary restrictions, my iron deficiency gradually got worse despite taking my supplements. I am physically so weak that I can't even walk at a normal pace for even 10 minutes without shaking or wanting to crumble. My heart's been pounding nonstop for the past 4-5 days even though I haven't had caffeine ONCE in 3 weeks. I'm constantly feeling dizzy and my entire body's weak. I'm still dealing with it, but in a nutshell, my health is pure crap right now. Oh, on top of all this wonderfulness, my iphone6 dropped in the sink while I was washing my hands. I haven't even had this phone for a year, I'm in a foreign country without a smart phone. I know I sound ridiculously over-dramatic (I'm fully aware that I am), I'm still so saddened by this loss. I guess it was a sign that I was entirely way too attached to my phone. I've tried everything possible and even brought it to specialists, and it can't be saved. Water damage was too severe and it fried the circuit board. They tried replacing the battery, the screen, the backlight - nothing. My parents are aware of the situation, and they're not entirely as angry as I thought they'd be, but the guilt is getting to be too overwhelming. I am well aware of how expensive my phone was. I'm usually so responsible with such things. I went 2 years with my iphone 4s, and there isn't even ONE scratch on that phone. I know it sounds silly, but my iphone 6 was just so dang reliable and convenient for me that I don't ever want another phone. Nothing I can do now. If I could redo this entire weekend I would. It's just such a huge financial burden. My parents are also funding my entire abroad trip, and now I feel obligated to condense my European experience.
But this is where another self-reflection opportunity lies. So many new realizations that possibly cancel out prior epiphanies. With everything that's been thrown at me in the past 4 weeks, it could only mean that God's testing me or God's reminding me to tread carefully [karma]. My stubborn mind hasn't been able to settle on which yet, but perhaps it could be a combination of both...? My most recent iphone 6 debacle has had me pondering every choice I've made since college. Why? Because the last time I felt like I hopelessly hit rock-bottom was high school. That was a time when God stripped every superficial trophy I put on a pedestal. I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, because I felt like it took me so long to climb out of that rock-bottom hole I dug myself in high school. College was a do-over for me, and I felt on top of the world. Now, I feel like God's doing the same thing He did to me in high school; reminding me to not get too carried away. In a way, it's possible that I have. I think my personality has only gotten uglier and more superficial since college, but I was okay with that. I got carried away with the superficial, because I've never gotten the type of attention I do now. Not gonna lie, it feels great. But recent happenings has reminded me that there are way more important things out there and the way I've been acting & thinking is not okay. I've grown into a really self-absorbed, heartless person. My identity lied with my materialistic possessions. It's a very appealing life with a plethora of temporary happiness that can be mistaken for joy. I'm not saying that my iphone 6 disaster is what brought on all of this, but it was probably the tip of the iceberg that finally pushed off the edge. I exerted too much into something that was so insignificant. Not gonna lie, when I first found out there was no hope in saving my iphone 6, my initial thought was,"I've lost my face and am no longer gonna be considered cool with my peers." or something to that effect. My phone made me feel superior, but in reality, I was so far from that. How dumb am I?
I'm working my way to being okay again. A lot of adjustments need to be made on this European journey (financially, emotionally, all of the above). Truthfully, I'm not too keen on making these mentality adjustments, but I am also aware of how necessary it is.
"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" - Isaiah 55:8-9
Lieben Immer,
N.M.Chow
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